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Saturday, August 27, 2005

Kidd Grown’s Top 10 List of Black People who are Trapped in a White Person’s Body

Here it is! I think these people were born into the wrong race, or somebody in the family was dipping and dapping (if you know what I mean). They just have a little too much soul.

Kidd Grown’s Top 10 List of Black People who are Trapped in a White Person'’s Body.


10. Michael Bolton (He's been out of the loop for a while, but he can still blow.)
9. Eminem (He's ghetto fabulous in a Caucasian kind of way. I think he really wants to be black for real. Poor thing.)
8. Michael McDonald (He is the first white man that I can recall confusing me when I heard him sing. "A white man sings that song??? I will never forget when I first saw him on Soul Train. "I Keep Forgetting...")
7. Mark Wahlberg (Four Brothers brought out the old Markie Mark. You can tell he grew up in somebody's hood.)
6. Tina Marie (She's a little out there, but she can sing. I'm gonna need her to update her wardrobe though.)
5. Jesse Duplantis (There's nothing else to say. He is black.)
4. Bonnie Raitt (Give 'em something to talk about girl. Her songs are perfect when you want to wallow in your sorrow. Great blues music. "I can't make you love me...if you don't." Umm. That is DEEP!)
3. Daryl Hall and John Oats (Since they are a group, they count as one. John had a pseudo-afro too.)
2. Bill Clinton (Okay, Bill busted out with the saxophone at every party. I'll bet he owns a set of dominoes that he keeps in a Crown Royal bag.)
1. Harry Connick, Jr. (This is one bad white boy. Anybody who can make you bump a Christmas CD like it's the latest track, is worthy of the number one spot.)

Am I right about it though?

The Kidd

My favorite Momma Story. Share Yours.

For the record, to this day my momma still denies this entire story. As if I have any legitimate reason whatsoever to make this whole thing up 22 years ago and still stick to it today. I think she’s embarrassed, but this is one of my greatest memories of my momma’s love for me. Even though at the time, I wanted to build a spaceship and soar to Mars to live out the rest of my days. You’ll see why.

Do you remember field day or play day? It was the day when all the kids in the school got to play competitive games against other classes. It was so much fun because you got to go outside all day and do nothing but play. Well, it was play day and Kidd Grown was in the 1st grade. I had on a yellow jumper and my favorite pair of tennis (Pro Wings, I’m sure of it.)

I was always a fast runner. I could beat all the girls and boys in the first grade. I was so excited about play day because this was my chance to show the entire school how close to the speed of light I actually was. I had dreamt about it all week. Anyway, this story isn’t about me running, but I have to build up to the climax of the story by painting a mental picture of how excited I was about the greatest day of my life.

Now, we were poor growing up so I never really had what the other kids had. This bothered me sometimes because my momma always bused us to predominately white schools, and those kids had everything or at least I thought they did. I was never jealous of white kids, but they did have one thing that I secretly coveted. No it wasn’t their hair, skin color or nice house. It was their lunch boxes. They always had a cool lunch box – The Muppets, StarWars, The A Team, Charlie Brown, Garfield. You know? I wanted a lunchbox so bad I didn’t know what to do. (this is going somewhere, I promise)

Not only that, but they always had cool, nutritious lunches. I was on free lunch, so I always had to eat the cafeteria food, but I had always dreamed of one day brining my own lunch. They would have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, fruit, those little Frito-Lay bags of chips and a Capri Sun. Wow! What a life.

Anyway, I’m still getting hype over play day not only because I was about to show out, but also because the cafeteria was closed so everyone had to bring a lunch that day. You do not understand. This was my chance to finally carry a lunch box or brown sack and pull out my little white meal.
I took the letter home to my momma believing that she knew what the deal was – go out and buy your daughter a lunchbox and fix her lunch exactly like the white kids. I mean, duh. Didn’t she know how big of a deal this was?

Anyway, didn’t happen. Momma must have been so stressed out because she totally forgot to even get me a lunch. That morning she told me that she would bring my lunch to school. I thought how cool that would be. Not only was I going to run fast, but I was going to have the lunch of my dreams delivered to me. Finally lunch came. Our class was in the lead, but the relay races weren’t until after lunch. We all went in, and everyone pulled out their lunches. That day we got to eat in our own classrooms. (Thank God.)

My momma hadn’t showed up yet. I was getting worried, and everyone including the teacher started offering me some of their lunch. Being the shy and modest kid that I was, I denied their generous offers. I knew that my momma would come through. Low and behold, she appeared in the door. My smile went from ear to ear. But then, I noticed something that wasn’t right. Slowly, my smile began to dwindle back to its original position.

It was a familiar object that I had seen before. But, never quite used the way I expected that it was being used at this particular time. To my recollection, I always remembered it carrying groceries or being shaken vigorously to coat pork chops in flour before frying. Why in the heck did momma have a grocery sack? This wasn’t a small brown bag either like the one I had wanted. This was a full-size grocery sack! As I looked closer, it even had the grocery store name on the side, UNITED Supermarket. I could not believe it.

My teacher welcomed my mom into the room and to my seat. She looked so proud, but she was in a rush so she had to suddenly leave. I didn’t really pay attention to her because I was still trying to figure out what in the heck was a brown UNITED sack doing in her hands. Ooh, no-no. Are those grease stains? Yes. No she didn’t. She got one of the sacks that she stored in between the oven and refrigerator. I recognize those stains from anywhere.

All of the kids turned and looked at me when she left. It was so synchronized. My teacher, for some strange reason, was so eager to help me unpack my lunch. The first thing she pulled out was a jar. Jar, J-A-R, jar. As a matter of fact, it was a Miracle Whip jar with the label half-way pealed off. Inside the jar, was some ice-cold pink Cool-Aid. Are you kidding me? Cool-Aid on play day? What happened to my Capri Sun?

The next sight was the killer. Out came a large plate sealed with Reynolds Wrap heavy duty foil paper. It was not a Tupperware type plate with compartments, but one of those old plates that your momma still has in her cabinet. The one that has no mates to it. This was the ugly brown plate that none of my siblings and I ever wanted to eat off of. I don’t even know why we still had that stupid plate in our house anyway.

What happened to the sandwich bags? By this time the entire hallway could smell the aroma of my lunch. Everyone was standing over me as my teacher unveiled my lunch. It was some Hickory smoked sausage (fried of course. We didn’t have a grill back then.), green beans, sweet corn and a Mrs. Baird’s dinner roll. THIS WAS NOT LUNCH! This was dinner.

My teacher made the dumbest statement I had ever heard her make, “Ooh, I’m jealous. Everyone, Saki has a good lunch. See children.” She was trying to be funny. I know she was. She knew that wasn’t right. I was so embarrassed. How was I supposed to eat this and then run the race of my life? (I told you this would all come together.)

I’m not going to lie. The food was good, but I didn’t finish it. I was too mad. Needless to say, I didn’t run the race of my life. I came in second place. I had too much grease in my belly, I guess. I didn’t get my moment of coolness with the white kids that day either. It was just another day filled with a series of misfortunate events. Momma tried though.

Now, I’ve put my story out there. What about you?

Charlie Brown,

Kidd Grown

President Bush: does the blood cover him?

For real y’all. I think something is up with this. It seems like no matter how much people hate him and protest against him, none of their weapons are harming him. In fact, it seems like those who try to attack him, something bad ends up happening to them instead.

Things that make you go hmm. So, I quit talking bad about him.

I hope that we will all join together to pray for all of our leaders regardless if we like them or not. I think the presidents from here on out will only get worse anyway as the end of time nears.

Just a thought. Has anyone else noticed this? Or, am I over thinking the issue?

Friday, August 26, 2005

Momma Don't Play




Ooh...

This is classic and a true picture of how creative Black mamma's can be when thinking of punishment. A friend sent this to me today, and I forwarded it to my line sisters. We clowned all day off of this. This is my prayer: For the "real" mommas out there to rise again. This momma is so serious about not losing her son to the streets that she had to teach him. I'm including an excerpt from our email strings. Hope you enjoy our commentary. Pictures can truly tell a story. Even though our momma experiences are so diverse, it sounds like all Black mommas have one thing in common - a very unique form of humorous, but firm discipline. What do you hear momma saying?

Kidd Grown

---EMAIL----
Oh my Lord, and no she is not chillin' with a chair and some Kool-Aid!  That's tight though--I love it.  :) And now that I'm really thinking about it, I'm sure she made him make his own sign! Can't you just see her cussin' at him and making him make that sign.

You know she talked trash the whole time. I'm sure that he's hearing something like this:

"See. Umm. Hmm. You gon learn one way or the other. I don told you about stealing, but naw. You wanna try me. That's alright. I got something for you. What? I thought I heard you say something. Betta not. And straighten your face up. Don't be trying to look all sad now. You shoulda thought about that when you took yo' butt to the sto' with no money in the first place! I outta whip you tale. You lucky I'm tired."

I can just hear my mom(and so many others) saying all of that. I'm telling you what a better world this would be if more parents took this approach!

The more I look at this picture, the louder she gets. You know some people would say this is child abuseHumiliationion. P-leeze!!! I'll be his butt won't steal no mo'.

The last line on his poster says it all. "I want to go prison like daddy." His mama is not playing with his behind! And yes, I too can hear that beat down.

Should you laugh when people trip or fall? I just did.

I know that you've seen somebody trip before and almost crack their skull, but have you ever heard it and not seen it? That is even more hysterical than watching it! Imagine this. You can hear a person get up and start walking with a swift pace (light footsteps). All of a sudden, you hear the pace skip a couple of beats. Like "da-da-du-duh-da." You know that they almost fell because the footsteps are heavier and faster. Then they come to a slower pace than before as if the person's trying to be careful. That person is probably thanking God that nobody saw it all go down. Got a secret though: Nothing gets past Kidd Grown!

Anyway, I just witnessed this and had to share. I am over here dying in my cubicle. I know it's not right to laugh at people when they trip or fall, but you have to admit that secretly you laugh too. Let it out.

LOL!!!!!!!!

The Queen of Tripping and Falling,
Kidd Grown

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Mark Cuban is off the Chain!

Blogging is the future of liberation for the masses from the media. Mark Cuban is one of the few celebrities to ever dare to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth regardless of the repercussions. Check out his blog. He keeps it real. http://www.blogmaverick.com

He's at it again. Check out this odd-twist of a tale a reporter made into a NY Times headliner about Mark. Once you read the email exchange between Mark and the reporter, and then read the article that was printed, you will be blown away. The media will sensationalism everything and some reporters have premeditated motives before they even run a story.

We used to sing a song in church when I was a little girl. It said, "Be careful little ears what you hear." Everything you read in the paper or see on the news isn't true. If you want a more non-biased view of what's happening, try BBC News instead of CNN or MSNBC.

How to Approach a Female at Church 101

I wanted to address the question raised by Nikki. Great question by the way. Hope this helps fellas.

I really don't know what's up with the brothas’approach at church. Someone needs to offer them a class or something since this appears to be a widespread epidemic across the nation. I will offer my advice this one time only to the male masses. Kidd Grown’s training program shut down two years ago when I noticed that all the guys I give advice to or date seem to marry someone else. Hmm? I will, however, offer my services as a modern day Ms. Hitch to my closest guy friends.

I kind of feel bad for them because I know that some are very sincere when they see an attractive woman at church and just want to get to know her. So brothas, read closely.

Tip #1) I still think the best way to get to know people is through serving God and doing activities that you normally do. It gives you the chance to interact with different types of people as well as learn how your "VIP (very interesting person)" works with others. Instead of spending so much one on one time brothers, try asking the sister what ministry or hobbies she's involved with. Get to know her in a group setting. You might not like what you see after all.

Tip #2) Fellas, you've got to learn how to ask around too. This means you need to get a life and expand your circle. Remember the Kevin Bacon game where you can always get back to Kevin Bacon from any movie. Somebody always knows somebody who knows somebody, etc., etc. Check with your homies (people you trust though) what's up with a particular female. Don’t try to get all in her Cool-Aid though. Just the basics – how long has she been a member, where does she serve, who does she hang out with at church, what is her profession and what are some of her interests. You can make a decision to advance or retreat just by this initial investigation. A good three minutes well spent.

Tip #3) Guys, it's always good to have at least one good “girl” friend. She can come in handy in giving you some pointers on your approach. Practice with her. If she’s your friend, she’ll tell you the truth. Show her your interest from a distance. Women can read other women a whole lot better then men can. If you have a God-fearing female friend who you know is NOT a hater, ask her for her initial impressions. Also, she might have some connections and can get the skinny on your love interest. We have our ways of getting information. I do this regularly for my guy friends. We need to learn how to look out for each other. For example, one of my guy friends was interested in this lady at church. He showed her to me, and I let him know that I didn’t think she was his type. I described to her a situation where I had personally witnessed her going off on someone. I also was able to share with him another occasion where I had witnessed this woman acting very inappropriately at a professional function. Now, she was cute and had a nice body. She goes to church every week, but I wasn’t comfortable giving my boy a good report about her. I told him to proceed with caution if that’s what he wanted to do.

Tip #4) Focus on being friends with the lady in the truest since of the word. You'll never know where that friendship could lead. If it doesn't go anywhere, then at least you didn't waste your money on dates and get your heart broken because you thought she was “the one”. Some of the most successful marriages today started out as friendships where neither person was “romantically” interested in the other.

Tip #5) I think if you see a girl on a regular basis at church, you've made eye contact with her and she's dropping you a clue that it's okay to speak--then what in the heck are you waiting for? The burning bush is history. Repeat after me brothas, “Women like to be noticed and pursued (pursue does not equal stalk, okay).” It is flattering. Chances are she could've noticed you too. Don't be timid and shy. That is not attractive. I repeat: that is not attractive. If you want to win a woman's hand, you have to do what it takes to show that you are worthy. Be yourself though. You are a performance driven creator by design, so don’t be coming all weak for the greatest challenge of your life.

If she thinks you are interesting, then she'll give you the right hints to assist you. But, do not expect her to nurse you through pursuing her. She'll think that you are weak. I'm just being real here! And if you so happened to get rejected, remember, “I’m Mike Jones, baby!” You are the bomb my beautiful black brother…NEXT!

The Big Kahuna. The tip of all tips. The manna from the sky. Are you ready, brother?

Tip #6) If you want a job, you go after it. If you want a car a house, you save for it. If you play sports or games, you play to win don't you? So you practice and you focus on the victory. It's not rocket science...do the same thing to win your woman!!! That’s it. I could be way off base, and I’m not scared to be shut down either. This is my site, so watch out there now!

“That will be $250 for my 1-hour consulting fee please,”

Kidd Grown

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Part II: If one more person asks me why I’m still single.

Before you read any further I need to define a very important term here. Boaz - my ram in the bush, my soul mate, the one who is specifically called to me by God, and the one that I am waiting on.)

I hope I didn’t come down too hard in my last post about being single. Being married is way cool, and if you happen to marry young (less than 25) that’s perfectly A-okay. That’s just not my tale. I know plenty of married people who wish they that were single or wish they had waited longer before marriage. On the other hand, I know plenty of married people who married young and are extremely happy. So go figure! Believe me; I look very forward to meeting and spending the rest of my days with Boaz. The divorce rate is too high for people to rush into marriage. Shoot, looking back, I didn’t know what the heck I was doing in my twenties. I was still trying to figure out how to get to work at the same time everyday and how to develop a consistent prayer life.

In the meantime, God has placed a burning passion within me to pray for Boaz and to speak blessings over his life. If you are single, this is a good habit to start practicing. Start covering his finances (cause a sista can’t be broke), his career, his vision, wisdom, etc. whatever you feel in your spirit to pray for him, just do it. I’m sure that he’ll appreciate it later, and this will get you into the routine of doing so once you get married. I look forward to Mr. Right, but right now, I am focusing on becoming Mrs. Right.

Not everything will be perfect, but at least I will have a great start. I know so many people who have gotten married too young and are struggling or are divorced…and these are Christians. I was taught by Bishop Eddie Long that we should try to be assets not liabilities to our life partners. That means when Boaz adds me to his portfolio, the value of it should increase. Not talking about the spiritual things only, but portfolio encompasses his health, spiritual walk, emotions, mentality, finances, etc. Now, that’s being value-added. (BTW, he should increase the value of my stock as well.)

Paul talked about advantages to both married and single life. We all have to be happy in our current state. Paul who was speculated to have been married at one point in his life was a dynamic single. So was Jesus. Paul wrote half of the New Testament and Jesus was the savior of the world. Now, neither of them would’ve accomplished anything great if they had focused so much of their time and energy on being married. Instead, they were about their father’s business.

Personally, I’m learning that single life is my time to devote to the work of God and take risks – personal, financial and career. Paul was on point when he said that the single’s focus is on God, while the wedded person’s focus is on pleasing the spouse. Now that I am a little older, I know that I probably might not have gone back to school, moved to another across the US, quite my plushy corporate job to start a business, change my investment strategy, and volunteer 20+ hours a week. I’m not saying that these can’t be done by the married person, but I am being realistic. Additionally, the thing I enjoy most about being single is just having time to think and rest whenever I feel like it.

We trust God with everything else, but it is so funny how we don’t trust him with two things usually – money and finding a mate for us. For these two topics, we feel that we have to tell him what needs to be done.

Before I get too carried away, what is your take on singleness? I do want to share some things that I’ve been doing and have done while waiting for Boaz - some things that have worked and haven’t worked too well. You know what they say, “Good things come to those who wait.”

Single, young, fabulous and expecting,

Kidd Grown

Don't Be Scared: The Spirit of Fear

Good morning,

It's 4AM, and I cannot sleep. I am excited about something, but I don't know what it is??!! I thought I would share this testimony I shared with my linesisters two years ago in an email. It was when I was applying to business school, and I had just been accepted. It was a dark time in my life, but looking back, it was a time of great faith and supernatural favor. I hope this blesses you to believe that God can do "exceeding, abundantly above all you can ask or think!" Just ask Him. One of my linesisters told me to save my testimonies, and that was the best piece of advice I had ever received. Thank you my sister for your words of encouragement. Sometimes you might think that no one hears you, but your voice is your greatest gift. Keep on talking.

I encourage you to share a personal testimony today with someone who needs it. If you don't have one, forward this to them. Don't let this day go by without sharing the goodness of God.

Still trusting,

Kidd Grown


Original E-testimony - Saturday, July 23, 2003, 5:00 PM

Hello,
 
Just wanted to let you guys know that I'll be attending SMU/Cox School of Business beginning in the fall 2003. I will be focusing on marketing and entrepreneurship and am very excited. God is so full of grace! At first, I was afraid that I wouldn't get far because I had an average GMAT and all right, undergrad GPA. Then I thought, that was the old Saki. This is saved, sanctified, fully aware of who she is, God fearing, persistent, demon chasing Saki. The interviewer called me back the next day and told me that they were excited to have me join the program. She said that she was very impressed with my experience and motivation. Now, I don't know if this was standard procedure for them to call you back enthusiastically (I thought I would get a letter in the mail), but I was like, "Go Jesus." I'm not just talking about the merciful savior, lamb of God. I'm talking about the lion!!! How dare I limit God's plan to such silly thoughts. I started casting down every thought that was against God's word and started professing his truths.
 
If you are struggling with something that you are making a decision about here are a few tips that helped me:
 
1.  Pray consistently "without ceasing"--in your head at work, in the car, in the bathroom, whenever you feel led, have a conversation with God. He loves for us to "diligently seek him". This doesn't have to be over spiritualized, but it really helps you affirm the promises of God. You might feel weird, so don't tell everyone what you're doing b/c they will call you weird. It's between you and him. Things I asked for--wisdom, patience, increase in my faith in Him.
 
2.  Be prepared to change something about yourself. Usually when you are asking God for something specific, you discover things about you. What kind of person am I? How will I act if I receive this "thing"? What are my motives? Why do I want it? This can be liberating, but it will also reveal many ugly parts. But as the Holy Sprit reveals these impurities, be thankful that God loves you enough to show you what to fix about you. Start working on them immediately (it's warfare--the enemy doesn't want you to grow better, but sometimes get further with the same issues) As you begin to seek God about deliverance from whatever it is, you are proving maturity and the ability to get more "food" and not "milk" from Him. Remember in 1 John 5, we are told, "that whatever we ask will be given because we keep His commands and desire to do what is pleasing to him." How can you do what is pleasing if you don't know what is unpleasing?
 
3.  Praise God in advance, not with just lipservice, but in your actions. I've heard this so many times. I thought it meant jumping up in down in church or shouting AMEN and hallelujah at the end of my prayers. Yes, praise God in your prayer life and at church. Yes, it can look like this, but what it means is summed up with not being double-minded. Don't be going around complaining, or professing doubt about the very thing you're believing God for. Show him that you expect his blessings. Act like you have it, even though you don't yet. When you feel that burning desire rising up, or joy that you can't explain, or find yourself laughing at something when nothing is funny. I've learned that my spirit is aware of something that my mind doesn't know yet. It is an immovable peace that only comes from above. Praise God out of that. Many people can't praise God this way because they are too independent on self. But if you're like me and need a whole lot of help all of the time from God, this word is for you.
 
4.  Be prepared to receive a word from God. Sometimes this means removing yourself from the familiar--television, friends, significant other, telephone, etc. Hard to do, but it works. If you haven't gone through isolation yet, it might be around the corner. At some point in our spiritual walk with Christ, we will be led away from the familiar. He was, so why wouldn't you? (This is hard, especially if you are a people person, which I am not so it was a little easier for me.) You start feeling inadequate, weird and outlawed. Don't worry, it's not you. It's God. Be clear about one thing. It is one thing for God to isolate you and another for you to isolate yourself. It will only last for as long as it takes for you to "get the message". Think of all the great stories in the Bible, Christ, John, Abraham, Joseph, Jonah, Job, etc. In isolation, I've learned to hear God's voice vs. Saki's voice of reason. The word you receive during this time will be the bomb because you got it with little confusion or distractions. Proverbs 3:5
 
5.  Don't go by "sight" but by "spirit". We are in the matrix ladies. What we see is not the full story. God sees us totally differently then how we see us. He knew us from the beginning and he knows us even after we leave this earth (if you know Jesus). Don't limit your view of you to the way the world sees/labels you. Even if you don't know how God sees you, stand firm on the fact that it isn't based on the world's view. One minute people yelled "Hosanna" and the next they yelled "Crucify him!" Titles, performance, awards, etc. will jack up your thinking. I'm a witness to it. All good and perfect gifts come from God. He deserves all the Glory!
 
6. Be sure to testify to someone else and not be prideful or shamed of your blessing. God loves for us to brag on Him. This is awkward, because we aren't usually taught to do things like this. People might think we're cocky or arrogant. Yes, they will if your bragging sounds includes excessive use of the word, "I, me, my or mine". Yes, share what you did in your faithfulness. Our experiences and actions help others to grow spiritually. But remember, Jesus said to "let your light shine before all men, so that they might glorify Saki Lynette Milton???" No, "your Father in heaven!" It's time for the true believers to come out of the closet. When our coworkers ask, "There's something different about you." or "How do you do it?", use those opportunities to minister without shoving religion down someone's throat. In gentleness, you can share the Gospel so people won't be offended. I started doing this with one of my coworkers, and now she tells me stuff like, "God works in mysterious ways." People who don't even believe will be happy for you, and this opens opportunities to build trust and someday share with them the Good News.
 
10. Seek godly counsel. (Psalm 1) I can't say enough about this. Don't be asking random folks at your job about what you should do. More than likely, they'll give you worldly counsel. They just don't know any better. Also, don't be asking people you know who don't pray and don't have a relationship with God to pray for you. God hears the cries of the righteous. I'm not trying to be funny, but this is true. Ask the right people to support you. Yeah, I ask folks at my job for their opinion about something's. But always evaluate input from everybody back to the word. When I asked for prayer for my nephew, I intentionally asked people who I knew would pray. And y'all know the rest of the story about how God turned that whole situation around. He's now has a job building computers and plans to attend the University of Houston after graduation and study business. Go Woodie!!! Your prayers for other people work. :-)
 
I'm through. I just had to e-testify for a second.
 
Bye!